It so sad that I have this thing and forget about it about 99% of the time. But for the past couple of months I have experienced several growing pains. Most of you may think... "Hmmm, that doesn't seem like thats too good", but you are wrong. As my chronological age increases, so do my thoughts. I think about my future, (money, graduate school, commitment, and the most important one, stability), all in that exact order. Lately, my brain has been on the topic relationships.
As women , ( especially ones who have encountered some bad experiences with men), we all have the tendency to place our hearts under lock and key until someone we feel is worthy comes along. I happen to be one of these young women. Even though I always have an open mind while I'm getting to know someone new, my guard is always up. And although this may come as a surprise to some of my readers, (many of you may know me), dating is extremely scary for me. While the fear of a broken heart sits in the back of my mind, I fear not being able to live up to one's expectations of me and being judged for who I am. The process of dating makes me uneasy and uncertain. Doesn't matter how much I may like the person or how many great qualities he may exhibit, I'm always in a state of uncertainty.
Last year this all changed for me, I was sure I met someone who was different and everything just seemed to damn good to be to true. I was certain that he would be good to me, all of me. This is, of course, based on the qualities I wish for a man who I am dating to possess. For damn near 6 months we were like two peas in a pod ,outside of his busy schedule. We went on dates, spoke on the phone, of course,texted each other constantly , and even spent the majority of my weekends in Summer 2011 on a park bench or some bleachers. Then, eventually got to know each others' families.YEAP, back and forth traveling from one borough to the next for almost a over a year. Then BOOM... suddenly all that stopped... except for the constant text message throughout the day. WTF !? Yes, I said that too as I tried to figure where in the hell I went wrong. Silly me, there I go trying to be the best I could for a person who was not reciprocating the same effort or concern.So, I stopped. I stopped trying to to figure out why and how things could go wrong while things seemed to be so great , or so I thought. I did not want to fix things or make things better because I did not know what the issue was other than his schedule and a bunch of excuses. I was hurt and angry because he could not provide with any answer to any questions outside his usual reply "I always been busy". I was not mad at his response, I was mad because I truly believe that at he had no idea how to be in a "real" relationship. I didn't mind showing him but as the saying goes , " You can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink it."
Its funny because all over these social networks, ( Facebook, twitter, Instagram), you see guys and girls saying they want this and they want out of a relationship. Many of these people don't know the first thing about being in a relationship and many have not been one person long enough to have an opinion on what a possible mate should be like. We all have these ideas and opinions that the media/technology and our environment has exposed us to instead of the reality of a relationship could possibly be like. So we take these ideas/opinions into our relationships without evaluating the likelihood of those things really happening.
Over the years, although I tend to think about what the future has in store for me, I have learned to let things be. For months I sat around trying to figure all the things and the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's" but , eventually I woke up and realized that maybe its not in God's Plan. Surely, I am no relationship expert and can only speak of my previous experiences but I can truly say that my experiences have forced me to look at myself piece by piece. I am living and learning everyday , and for that I am truly grateful. It is important that we , (males and/or females ), always take the time re-evaulate ourselves and our actions. And at the same time, (keep in mind), although we may have several questions... most of them may go unanswered.
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